Oprah’s 2020 Vision Tour: Amy Schumer

On January 18, Amy Schumer joined Oprah on stage in Charlotte, N.C. Check out their honest conversation on parenthood, autism, IVF, and more in the full transcript below.

Watch Oprah interview Amy Schumer below:
 

 

Read the full transcript:

 

OPRAH: All right. We're ready. I can tell you that it means so much to me that when we first announced this, first of all, I never like asking anybody to do anything for me. Because I don't like having favors out there in the world. But, but, it was so incredible when we started this idea of the tour and were able to get this wonderful lineup of visionaries and thought leaders who said "yes," to join us on the WW Presents Vision Tour. And Amy Schumer—(applause) —represents everything it means to be fearless, to be funny, to be vulnerable, and wholly yourself no matter who is watching. Please welcome Amy Schumer.

(Amy Schumer entrance.)

(Applause.)

OPRAH: Let the video go. This is a video of you. Oh, look at that.

AMY: It's my montage.

OPRAH: Look at your montage. So nice.

AMY: That's how I identify is lingerie and heels.

OPRAH: So Amy—Amy had what sounds like a really tough week, which makes it all the more special that you would give up your Saturday, as everyone else has given up their Saturday to make the trip to come to Charlotte.

AMY: Who doesn't want to spend their Saturday with Oprah in Charlotte?

OPRAH: Well, thank you.

AMY: Come on.

OPRAH: Really, was it a grueling week? What's going on?

AMY: This week was really tough. But I do feel better. I had IVF this week. I don't know what that stands for. But—(laughter)—but I know I had it. And then I—and then I—you know, I had my egg retrieval on Monday, which is also the last time I pooped. I said I wasn't gonna say it, but I did.

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: I can't pooh faster. But I've been feeling rough all week. But I feel better today. And knowing I was coming to see you and you.

OPRAH: And you've been sharing this idea of your journey on social media.

AMY: Yes, I have been posting about IVF. Yeah, I just thought, I'll share it.

OPRAH: Yeah, because one time you posted you were feeling rundown and pretty emotional because your hormones are all over the place. Right?

AMY: Yeah, they're still all over the place. So, like, watch out. I mean, it was really—you get shot with a ton of hormones. I still have my—you know, the bruises from where you get the shots. I mean, it's—I don't want to discourage anyone. But it hurts. Those shots hurt. And then—and then you get—have the egg retrieval. And then after, you know, your ovaries are filling up with fluid. IVF, guys. Whoo.

OPRAH: And during this time I saw you posted where you were asking other people just to send me any advice about it.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: Did you get any advice?

AMY: Well, it's not something that—there's some people that have been really open about it. I know Gabrielle Union has. Just people sharing their journeys. But I didn't have a big group to ask about it, so why not ask everybody? You won't get all the tips. Like you guys have Connect, right, for WW? I used my Instagram. And asked, like, what should I know? What do you wish you knew? And, man, like women were just really down to reach out and share and help me and, like, hold my hand through it.

OPRAH: I love that you came in your sweats. So Amy sent me a text earlier and said, do you think this is okay to wear? I go, you should wear whatever makes you feel comfortable.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: And you having a (inaudible) over the whole dress thing.

AMY: I got a dress.

OPRAH: You got a dress.

AMY: It's hanging up in my closet.

OPRAH: I said, just—I said, it's Charlotte. They're gonna love you just the way you are.

AMY: I know. I do love Charlotte. I've performed here a lot.

OPRAH: Really?

AMY: Yeah. Mostly for the Hornets. But also I performed standup. My husband won't watch this, right? No, I—and I had some biscuits back there that will change your life. The food here, not a joke.

OPRAH: You don't do the Point thing or anything?

AMY: No, I used all my Points on these biscuits.

OPRAH: I was gonna say, because the biscuits can take you down.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: Yeah. Now, you said that this whole process has taught you to actually be more patient and kind with yourself. What does that look like for you? Patience and kindness showing up for yourself.

AMY: I think as—as women, I know there are men here, too, and I don't want to alienate you, but I think it's women—the expectations on us are so high to always be okay. Always look your best. Feel your best, you know, and—and so I—wait, what am I talking about?

(Laughter.)

OPRAH: You're talking about this process of being kinder to yourself.

AMY: Kinder to myself. Okay. You know when you're talking and then you look out and you're, like, there are truly 15,000 people here. (Laughter.) And Oprah. I'm, like, am I high? I'm not high. But I'm, like, I think I'm high. It's really easy to be—to feel guilty all the time. Especially now having a baby. Like just that self-guilt, the self-hate. And it can get to me, too. And what do you say to your friends? You know, like give yourself the advice you give your friends. Love yourself like you're your own mother. You know? Like be kind to yourself.

OPRAH: Be kind to yourself.

AMY: You know? So just—those feelings of guilt, they're useless and they're not real.

OPRAH: Do you have them now as a new mother? Like are you doing it right? Do you have those, am I doing it right?

AMY: Yeah, it's—and, you know, and I'm working and, like, I know there's working mom vibes out in this audience. It's a constant—is it—there's a constant, like, just cycle of—of guilt and shame about it. You're, like, should I be with my baby all the time? Like somebody else is taking care of my child right now. But really, what I've learned for myself is, like, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. So that when you show up for your kids—

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: —you are—

OPRAH: Fill yourself first. Absolutely.

AMY: No question.

OPRAH: But I do love the fact that you said, look, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna do this for you. And then I'm gonna go right out. I'm not even gonna wait to say goodbye to you backstage.

AMY: Do you believe it? I'm not gonna say goodbye to you?

OPRAH: So let's just do it now. 'Bye.

AMY: So good seeing you. You look amazing.

OPRAH: Thank you so much for coming.

AMY: Thank you.

OPRAH: You said your hope now—so the reason you're going through all this IVF is so that you can have a sibling for Gene.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: Because you thought just having one would not suffice.

AMY: No, having—and if you want to have one kid, do you. No presh. I—I think—I think my husband really wanted us to have another one because—because we love him so much. I think he thinks that it's creepy. You know what I mean? (Laughter.) Like just obsessed, you know? And he thinks, like, we've got to have another one so that you're not—you don't make him into a complete weirdo. I'm normally close to my sister so we were, like, we've got to try. We've got to try to get a sibling.
OPRAH: So you had a really, really difficult pregnancy. Not just morning sickness but morning sickness every day. Like you were calling me from different states like I have connections.

AMY: Yeah. I was, like, calling you like—

OPRAH: I'm in Tennessee. Do you know a doctor?

AMY: —do you know someone who can give me an IV in Chicago? I'm dying. I'm on the floor. Yeah, it was—I had hyperemesis which I also have endometriosis. And, you know, it's a lot—there's not a lot of research on these—these women's issues, because that's what they are. They're women—they now have chewable Viagra. But they can't throw us a bone with endometriosis? (Laughter.) Give some money to the studies for ladies also, please. But, yeah, I was so sick I was—I couldn't keep anything down. I was hospitalized—

OPRAH: Four times.

AMY: —four times. Like, you know.

OPRAH: Were you really afraid, though, during that time? Because you're thinking I—you know, I could lose this baby.

AMY: 1 in 3 women with hyperemesis lose the baby.

OPRAH: Oh.

AMY: And something like 50 percent lose their jobs. You can't work. It's—if you've ever had food poisoning. It's that. I had that for nine and a half months. If you know you're not pregnant for nine months, that is a lie. I don't know why they say nine months, nine months. Then you start doing the math and you go, it's 10 months.

OPRAH: At least. Right?

AMY: I mean, it really is.

OPRAH: And I heard that one of your takeaways from all of this is that women are just warriors.

AMY: We are warriors. All of us. I mean, for real. That is what I learned. I didn't just learn how strong I was. I really learned, as a whole, how strong women are. And, you know, men are great, too. And, like, that's awesome and you guys can throw a touchdown. But, like, can you make a baby? We can make a baby with our body.OPRAH: Yeah. Yeah. It's growing in there.

AMY: Like, you know, that's great, but, like, make a baby. (Laughter.)

OPRAH: It's pretty amazing when you think about it.

AMY: It's amazing.

OPRAH: Pretty amazing. Everybody who's made a baby, give yourself a high five. Whoo-hoo. Look at y'all. You're pretty much an open book on social media, particularly—

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: —your posts about being a new mom. And I loved the one—I enjoyed your hospital underwear photo.

AMY: Oh, God, I was hoping this would come up again. Whoo-hoo. Look at that.

OPRAH: Why do you like it so much?

AMY: Why do I love those underwear?

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: Oh, my God, they're a dream.

OPRAH: Why?

AMY: You know how, like, we're supposed to be able to put on, like—my friend Mia Jackson, a hilarious comedian has a joke about this. I mean, sorry, taken. Married. Sorry. And look at our poodle, Tatiana in the front there. My friend Mia has a joke about that. Like girls are supposed to look cute in their, like, boyfriend's clothes, you know?

OPRAH: Yeah, I know.

AMY: But she's really tall and so she's, like, it just fits. Right? You know. And for me it's, like, I never feel—underwear I'm always, like, eh, like I guess I'll go up a size. But you know when you put on some big underwear you feel like I'm a little baby. I'm little, you know? Like, I'm drowning in this underwear. So that underwear makes me feel really good about myself. (Laughter.)

OPRAH: Fantastic. Also I think is this a way of you sort of defusing the fame and remaining authentic? These kinds of posts.

AMY: I think yes.

OPRAH: Is that important for you?

AMY: I think so. You know, being authentic has become the most important thing to me.

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: And I think with social media, you know, you follow people and then they're just, like, look how perfect. And no offense, because I'm guessing that this is an audience that sends out Christmas cards. But, like—(laughter)—like I know your Christmas cards are hanging in everyone's house. But I'm like, you know, I want to feel a little bit more of the truth. You know, don't show me your family on your best day. Like what's really going on? And I didn't—I grew up with a very broken home and I—I didn't feel like that perfection. And rather than feeling bad about it, I just wanted to share it. Because I think a lot of people can relate. Everybody's going through, you know, their own hard time.

OPRAH: Absolutely. And you don't seem to—you know, I'm really interested in this whole subject with shame and how that—that holds us back. You don't seem to have any. (Laughter.) I think that's great. You know, you pose nude and then you laugh about how everyone says, oh, how brave you are that you—that you posed nude.

AMY: I—you know, to be honest, I—so you get a lot of advice when you're pregnant.

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: Everybody wants to tell you. And I think they have good intentions. But a lot of it's pretty pushy. And so people say to you, you know, do whatever you want. If you want to have a C-section, if you want to have it natural, whatever you want. Do you. But really, their subtext is, like, try to have a natural birth. You better push that baby out with no drugs, you know. And so—and then I was getting advice, like, prenatal yoga really helps. And so I immediately signed up for a C-section. (Laughter.) I'm not—you'll never see me. Never. I did, but I had a C-section. I opted for a C-section. Which, you know, that just can really—I mean, I did. I came out the sun roof. And I—I was so sick for so long and I knew because of the endometriosis I probably wasn't going to be able to have him vaginally. And some women can feel like you've failed. I've heard people say that: “If you've had a C-section, you've failed.”

OPRAH: You were saying you never recognized before that there was so much judgment. I know you went back to work after Gene was born and then people were, like, oh, you're going back to work.

AMY: Yeah, what are you doing? You should be home with the baby. And I was, like, they're probably right. I was really too vulnerable to be on stage. But with things like that and with breastfeeding, again, it's, like, breastfeed until you have, like, give him the last—and, again, whatever you want to. But really the subtext is you better feed him with your boobs. You better. But I—it wasn't right for our family. It wasn't—it was too much on me. And I wasn't—and I was feeling—starting to feel bad. And I was, like—and it occurred to me, I can stop breastfeeding. And Serena Williams gave me great advice on great formula. And—and also, you know, like the greatest generation was raised on formula. Like people have been fine on formula. And he's so healthy, so good, and, yeah, and that pressure is real. And—and—but what I realized was that it was self-inflicted. I'm not trying to vilify the other women that said these things to me. It's gonna happen. You're gonna feel all these pressures about a lot of different things about being a mom or just being a woman. But if you let it get to you, that's on you. Like I had to stop and say, no, this is all self-inflicted. I'm gonna get rid of this guilt and do what's right for me and my family.OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: And what makes me feel healthy.

OPRAH: That means you're a different kind of women. That's a different—that, to me, is what a real feminist is.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: I know you have your own ideas about it. Right?

AMY: I've tried to do that with my friends who are pregnant now, like really—and also, don't ask people. Even asking, “Are you gonna breastfeed?” What are you—don't worry about who's eating from her breast. Leave her alone.

OPRAH: Stay in your own lane.

AMY: Just say, I hope you're healthy and you feel good and you're doing whatever you need to—to take care of yourself.

OPRAH: But you're able to take the stuff that would embarrass, I think, most people and turn it into not only a badge of courage, but even make a—make a joke about it sometimes. Right?

AMY: That's true. I can't help it. I—it's—I think—we talked about this a little bit before. But it is a little bit—it started as a defense mechanism. And then I realized it really does make me feel better, and it makes other people feel better. You know?

OPRAH: But does criticism ever get to you?

AMY: Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But not—I mean, not about my looks. When I—I mean, I've been trolled on the interpret for so long, I'm actually, like, worried because I haven't been trolled that much lately. Like where are they? Like did they— (laughter)—did they grow up and like—I hope they grew up and they got families and they found some peace. But, like, I haven't been—I was so trolled for so long and where are the trolls? Like I need to hire detectives to make sure they're okay.

OPRAH: Did you start making fun of yourself so—because it was sort of a defense mechanism early on?
AMY: I think so. I think when I was younger, like, you know, I was definitely bullied and—shocking. Every comedian. Like you'll never meet a comedian that was, like, “It was all good. It was just all good and happy.” I was really bullied. And—and also, I still feel this way. If I think everyone in a room is thinking something, I want to be the one to say it. You know, that makes you feel like you have a certain power. But I don't really do that anymore.OPRAH: That's what good comedians can do.

AMY: Yeah, you kind of defuse the room by saying the thing we're all thinking.

OPRAH: I asked Tina Fey this last week, and the answer surprised me.

AMY: Yeah?

OPRAH: Is there anything that should be off limit to making a joke about?

AMY: Yeah. What did she say? I want—

OPRAH: She said no.

AMY: She said no. Well, she's an evil person. And I'm glad that we finally learned that about Tina Fey.

OPRAH: I was surprised.

AMY: Oh, Tina actually gave me a joke to say.

OPRAH: What?

AMY: She said—well, she said she had so much fun with you, first of all. And she said that this event is—should be called O-chella.

OPRAH: O-chella. We'll take it.

AMY: That's pretty good. Right?

OPRAH: Pretty good, Tina.

AMY: I do think some things are off limits. I do. And I know that because I have said those jokes. (Laughter.) It doesn't feel good. It honestly just doesn't feel good. Like I used to do roasts. I did the Comedy Central roasts. Oh, one person. Thank you. And I realized, like, you know, you think, oh, nobody gets their feelings hurt. It's a roast.

OPRAH: Oh, no.

AMY: People hurt your feelings. And I've had my feelings hurt. And so I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So if I think that there's someone out there and it's gonna hurt their feelings, I'm not gonna say it anymore.OPRAH: That's really good.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: I think that's good.

AMY: It makes me feel better. Whatever comedian—whatever you want to do, but I think there's some off limits.

OPRAH: So earlier today I was sharing the story about getting pneumonia actually helped me to be happier and more grateful for the body that I have. And last year, you said, filming the movie, I Feel Pretty, actually pushed you to do the work to fall in love with yourself.

AMY: Thank you.

OPRAH: I love that movie.

AMY: Thank you, Justice Row.

OPRAH: I thought that was a really great movie.
AMY: Thank you. The critics, now that we're talking— no, I—yeah, that was—also about criticism, I just want to say that I have learned from—from it also. You can't say they're always wrong. Like I have learned from good critics. There are some really talented critics out there. But I learned to fall in love with myself during I Feel Pretty because being on camera and being right out of the gate having to lose weight and whatever and like Tina, you know, I want some people—can you believe they want me to lose weight for this thing? And they go, just lose weight. And you go, all right, you know? But for me, the way I was losing weight to be in the movie Trainwreck—(applause)—

OPRAH: Wait for it.

AMY: So rude. I was hungry, okay? Like—

OPRAH: Hungry.

AMY: I was hungry. It was not—you know, and my friends who are actresses who are, like, no, like I found this—I'm, like, for me, I'm—I don't want to be hungry and I was hungry. And then I did something, I—and this is sacrilege I think to WW. I'm not sure. But I haven't weighed myself in, like, eight years. Like I don't know—I don't know what those numbers are. I couldn't even begin to tell you. And being pregnant and not knowing your weight, like every time the nurse—what do you weigh? I'm, like, “I don't know.” They're, like, “What do you mean, do you have a ballpark? 250?” I have no idea. Your guess is as good as mine.

OPRAH: Why is that?

AMY: I—because it—I don't—because for me, knowing that number, like I would get obsessed with it. And so not even thinking about that number and just thinking about how I feel and knowing I'm putting nourishing foods in my body.

OPRAH: That's great.

AMY: And exercising, like I don't need those numbers to tell me. That's how I feel. For me, that's what's right.

OPRAH: That's good.

AMY: Everybody is different. Doing me? But I wanted to—with I Feel Pretty, I wanted to get to a place and I wanted to be teaching people to love teh skin that you're in right now. Love this here-today version of yourself. Don't be—you know, we're all striving for something. But—but love yourself right here and right now. Like the skin you're in without being, like, oh, if I can just get that, then I'll be able to love myself.OPRAH: The win. The win.

AMY: The win.

OPRAH: So you've been married now two years?

AMY: Yes.

OPRAH: Yes. Is it everything you thought it would be? Or more.

AMY: It's better. I really—I never wanted to get married. I never wanted to have kid. I didn't even think about it. Like kids—like little girls play weddings? I was, like, playing that I was a fortune teller, you know? I was, like, Madam Lavichky, you know, it was like I wasn't—I played characters. But then I met this dude. And I was, like, “I want to partner up with you for life. And I do want to get the government involved. And I—(laughter)—I want you to sign. I want to make a vow. Everyone heard you. And now you are mine.” I—we fell in love and I could see what that partnership would look like and I—yeah, I fell in love.

OPRAH: And I heard your wedding was pretty hilarious which was clear from the moment there was a man dressed as a woman who officiated and began with, “Dearly beloved and Seth Meyers”?

AMY: Yeah, he separated Seth Meyers from the dearly beloved. Yeah, Seth Meyers was there. We had a really fun last-minute wedding. And we were just, like, we wanted to be married. That's why, you know, we didn't want to, like, plan a wedding for a long time. We were, like, we just wanted to be married. So we sort of got it out of the way and—

OPRAH: And how did you know that Chris was the one for you?

AMY: His confidence. His self-assuredness. He was so confident about us, too. I just loved him. And I just liked him. One night we just sat there—we were just friends at first for, like, six months. And we were just sitting there watching old epidemics of Arrested Development. Yeah, and we were reading—there's like a part, The New Yorker, “Shouts and Murmurs,” and he was reading me one of his favorite ones. And we were just—we just laughed at the same stuff we liked the same stuff. And—and he's hot. And I wanted to tap that. (Laughter.)

OPRAH: Did you just say that?

AMY: I'd like to apologize. That was—oh, but you know what he said to me? We were—you
know, I don't know if you were ever, like, the—well, I do know you were like this of the and I think a lot of us can identify with this. Like when you start liking someone, you have feelings, you are afraid of getting hurt, so you just don't—you want to just, like, either sabotage it right away or just know how it's gonna end right away.

OPRAH: Right. Right.

AMY: You know? Like we're used to some level of control. So what's gonna happen here? And so I was texting him early on, like I said. Well, I just hope you know I don't know if I want kids. So if that's something you're looking for, I don't know if that's gonna be me. And he said, he wrote right back. He said, I do want kids and I want them with you and when we have a family—this is when we were dating like three months at this point. And we'll have a beautiful family and I can't wait.

OPRAH: What did you do?

AMY: I know, right where—I was standing in my closet. I had to, like, hold the wall. I was, like, hold on a minute. Because you see yourself—

OPRAH: Three months in. Three months is just—

AMY: Three months in. Yeah. But it was easy right away. It makes—I feel like when you find the person—

OPRAH: Yep.

AMY: —that you want to be with, it's easy. It's not—

OPRAH: In your Netflix special, Growing, in 2019.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: Yes.

AMY: Thank you. Growing. Netflix.

OPRAH: Netflix. You shared that—that Chris was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. Am I saying it correctly?

AMY: Yes, ASD. Autism spectrum disorder.

OPRAH: And you said all of the characteristics that make it clear that he is on the spectrum are the things that make you love him so.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: Like what?

AMY: Well, he's so direct. I mean, like I was about to leave this morning—

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: —and I'm like, you know, the car's there. And I'm, like, is this okay? And he goes, well, it's really too late. (Laughter.) And he was right. It was too late. It honestly was too late. And he'll—I mean, he will just say things to people and not know that he just completely crushed them. And his honesty is so beautiful to me. And—

OPRAH: It's kind of like no filter.

AMY: No filter. None.

OPRAH: No filter.

AMY: Because it can be challenging at times. But it's also a superpower where I think, you know, he, like—now people know he has autism. So—which I think is the benefit, one of the benefits to being diagnosed is people don't make him feel like he's bad or wrong. Like he has a different brain chemistry. And I think—or a child being diagnosed could—instead of it being about the stigma of it, it could help them feel like they're not bad.

>>: (Screaming.)

AMY: Yes. Thank you.

OPRAH: Yes.

AMY: I wish that was—I wish he'd been—I wish he'd been tested at a younger age. Because I think it also makes a lot of people around you upset and stressed with you, and it's not their fault.

OPRAH: So you said his superpower. What's yours?

AMY: Oh, I can do, like, a ton of drugs—no, just kiddings. (Laughter.) And be fine. No—

OPRAH: Didn't you say that your dream in life is to get—we both have a dream in life.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: And that is to get Gayle—

AMY: To smoke weed.

OPRAH: —to smoke weed. (Laughter.)

AMY: We're looking at you, Gayle. We're talking about wellness today. Right?

OPRAH: Yes. No, in all the years—

AMY: (Inaudible)—Gayle.

OPRAH: In all the years that I've been besties with Gayle, and that's since 1976 and been with Stedman since 1685—(laughter)—

AMY: Wow.

OPRAH: In all those years, neither he nor Gayle has ever had a sip of anything. And Gayle still thinks weed is a marijuana cigarette.

AMY: Oh, my God, Gayle.

OPRAH: Gayle, have you smoked weed? And she's, like, no, I never had a marijuana cigarette. Well, I guess not, if you're calling it a marijuana cigarette.

AMY: You know, it's never nice to drug someone. And I'm very against that.

OPRAH: Yes.

AMY: But if we could do it one time.

OPRAH: But if we could ever do it—

AMY: Just once. Just one little—

OPRAH: One time. And then we'll Instagram it so you all can see. It would be great.

AMY: I think women—I think, you know, in terms of all the things out there, weed is on the more harmless level and can really help.

OPRAH: Well, the least we can do is give her some CBD oil.

AMY: Give her a CBD gummy.

OPRAH: The other day, Gayle, just take it. It's gonna be great. Bad knees. It's gonna be great for your knees. She's, like, I don't know if I want marijuana in my knees.

AMY: Poor Gayle. We just want to haze her.

OPRAH: Yes.

AMY: We do.

OPRAH: Okay. So how does being married to a chef work? Does it mean he's fixing fancy things for you all the time?

AMY: I want to say no because you guys won't hate me. But, yes, like every night, bitches. I'm telling you. (Laughter.) It's true. It's amazing.  (Laughter.) Oh, it's just true. And he—you know, he grew up on Martha's Vineyard and he's all about, like, real farm to table.

OPRAH: Yep.

AMY: So he's—it's just really nourishing, great foods and (inaudible)—

OPRAH: So you don't cook for him?

AMY: No. And he doesn't stand there and tell me jokes, you know? He—(laughter)—

OPRAH: Good. Good. Good, good, good.

AMY: We stay in our lanes.

OPRAH: So great. So great. So have you ever, like, really tanked on stage? Have you ever, like—

AMY: Oh, my God. Yes. In this state. Like I've definitely—I've bombed all over the country. I did—I really have. You have to do bad.

OPRAH: You have to do bad.

AMY: You have to do bad to do better. You have to. I mean, that's—you really—you need—yeah, you need those low, lows to appreciate the highs, you know?OPRAH: And what did they teach you?

AMY: Well, first of all, when you're first  not doing well in standup, the instinct is to, like, just go to the next joke and hope that goes better and you're really needy in the crowd and you can feel the difference of when someone is talking to you and you feel at ease—

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: —versus when you feel bad for them. So you just have to realize all your fears on stage. Like everything happened to me, you know? Like—like somebody charged the stage. Somebody threw a bottle at me. You know, it was, like, all—so everything has happened,you know?  I performed at a hunger strike by accident. I—(laughter)—all my worst fears came true on stage, you know? It's like boxing. It's like you're afraid of getting hit and then you get hit so much you're not afraid of it anymore. That's how it is with standup. I have no feares anymore because they all came true you know?  And, yeah, you just get more confident. You just get better. You've got to—you know, you get better when you work hard. There's no other—there's no exception to that. You know?OPRAH: Not at all.

AMY: No.

OPRAH: So—

AMY: Oh, you asked me backstage, and I wanted to tell you—

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: —a couple comedians—because sometimes people say to me, you're my favorite female comedian. And I say, okay, who is your favorite male comedian? And then they go, I don't know. I go, well, maybe I'm just your favorite comedian. You know? Like, oh, you're my favorite female chef. Like you can just say the thing. But I did want to last Mia Jackson, Erin Jackson, Chelsea Peretti, Marina Franklin, Janelle James, Rachel Feinstein, Bridget Everett. Check them all out. You will laugh. That's my favorite comics. Yeah. Those names. Yeah.

OPRAH: Okay. Say it again.

AMY: Mia Jackson. Erin Jackson. Not related. Janelle James. Rachel Feinstein. Bridget Everett. And Marina Franklin. Chelsea Peretti.

OPRAH: So I was gonna ask you, what is the thing that never fails to make you laugh? Aside from those comedians.

AMY: Oh, gosh, something that never fails to make me laugh? Well, I would say—that's cheesy. My baby. Who cares, Amy. Shut up.

OPRAH: Do you know immediately when you have written something funny? Or do you have to test it to know?

AMY: Sometimes I'll really think I've got something, got something cooking, you know? And I call my sister, I always call her first, and sometimes she just says, no. (Laughter.) She'll go, no. 'Bye. (Laughter.) Or—but she never laughs, actually, now that I'm thinking about it. She'll just go, "That's funny." (Laughter.) I'm, like, well then why aren't you body? Your body's supposed to have a reaction to that. But, no, when I was on tour—this last tour, I was pregnant. And so I came up with a line. And I'll just kind of say it around her and say. And I said, you know, when you're pregnant, you're still you, you know? You're still working and traveling and drinking, you know? And she really laughed at that. And I said, well, it's going in the act.

OPRAH: So do you think you're born this way funny? Or is it a funny gene? Or does it come from other stuff?

AMY: I do think you're born with it. I think you've got that something that people can just see you and kind of start laughing?

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: You know what I mean? Like you just walk out and people just kind of—there's some artists like that and you just see their face and you just laugh. But I think if you work hard at anything, you get better at it. So if you're not funny, I think you can work out how to be a better standup.OPRAH: Do you think you could be close to someone who wasn't funny?

AMY: Close close?

OPRAH: Yes. I mean, in other words, is a lack of a sense of humor a deal breaker in a relationship for you?

AMY: Not as close as I can be to someone who's funny. Or even just a great laugher.

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: You know? But I have to be able to say any sick joke I want around them.

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: To feel really close to them.

OPRAH: So we were talking about Chris cooking.

AMY: You know, you're best friends. You want to say, like, disgusting stuff to them.

OPRAH: Are you always joking at home?

AMY: We're always playing at home. We joke a lot. We do.

OPRAH: You have a lot of laughter.

AMY: We have a lot of play. Chris and I, we—it's a lot of jokes. Actually, we've been role playing. Yes. And then—but my thing—

OPRAH: Explain yourself.

AMY: It is not a wellness day. But I always do this. I just always go, okay, I'm in a coma. That's how—that's my sex role play. I just—(laughter)—I am the laziest person you'll ever meet. (Laughter.) You can't really, like—you know, if you're married with someone and you've been with them forever, I find that it's like—you can't really talk dirty anymore. It's, like, oh, I'm gonna do this to you. He's, like, no, you're not. (Laughter.) No, he knows. And then you see them. You don't want to be disgusting. And then you're, like, feeding your baby, you know?

OPRAH: I know exactly what. I know—I know exactly what you mean. This is like—Stedman and I had been together about 10 years. And I was—had done some show and someone was talking about, you know, how to entice your man or something. And he comes home and I'm, like, in this black negligee thing on the stairs. And he literally walks by and he says, what are you doing? (Laughter.) What am I doing? (Laughter.) Anyway, so I get exactly—

AMY: That made me cry. That's made me cry-laugh. So funny. Yeah, you're, like, what do you think I'm doing?

OPRAH: Hello.

AMY: It's hard. You've got to—

OPRAH: Yeah. Yeah.

AMY: You're so vulnerable to do that stuff.

OPRAH: So do you have a—you know, we're all—we're committing to a vision.

AMY: Yeah.

OPRAH: Do you have one? Now that you have a family, what I love is whether you know it or not, every person has a dream for their family. And a lot of people haven't articulated that dream. I think people are just working towards, you know, making their families work. That would be another thing to include in your vision. What's the dream for your family? Will you share that?

AMY: I will. And that is such a beautiful question. I also—but before that dream for my family, like my dream for myself is that I poop today.

OPRAH: So it's been since Sunday or Monday?

AMY: I can't even tell you. It's like—can the camera see this? It's just—look at that. It's just sitting there. Oh. It's sitting there. All right. All right.

OPRAH: I know.

AMY: And I already asked on Instagram IVF tips. I can't even—

OPRAH: It's been since—it's been since Sunday?

AMY: What?

OPRAH: It's been since Monday since you pooped?

AMY: Monday. Monday.

OPRAH: And this is Saturday?

AMY: Saturday. How am I even here right now?

OPRAH: I don't know. I don't know.

AMY: And I know what you're all thinking. I'm already tried. Everything. I've tried prunes. I didn't have the smooth move tea but I'm going to but I was scared if I had it it would hit right while I was here. (Laughter.) And that's not part of anyone's vision for 2020. (Laughter.)

OPRAH: True that. It's true. True that. True that.

AMY: Okay, when I think of my vision for my family, it is also, like I love how life becomes, like, it wasn't even your vision, you know?

OPRAH: Yeah.

AMY: While I—while we're talking about poop I just have to say, like right now most of my day is me cleaning poop off the tiniest pair of balls you've ever seen. (Laughter.) In your life. Just with a little cotton swab. (Laughter.) That was not on my vision board.

OPRAH: Okay.

AMY: What I see for my family, what I want, what I wish for, what I see is—and then I'm going to take steps toward, my intention, is—is health, keeping us all as healthy as possible. I want—I really hope our family grows. And—

OPRAH: IVF is gonna come through for you.

AMY: Yeah. Yeah.

OPRAH: Yeah. You want one? Two? Two more?

AMY: I definitely am hoping for two.

OPRAH: Two.

AMY: And, you know, maybe more. I mean, once you have—like I have had a beautiful experience having a baby. You know, it's different for everybody. But I—I really have to recommend if you've got the resources to have a baby to have a baby. It's been so life-changing for me. And I really like the guy. And, I mean, I picture us all on the beach together. And teaching maybe a little girl how to play volleyball.OPRAH: I hope that vision comes.

AMY: Me, too. I'm gonna try for it.

OPRAH: Thank you, Amy Schumer. (Applause.) I love that you wore that.

AMY: Thank you.

OPRAH: Amy Schumer. Thank you. Let's say goodbye. 'Bye. 'Bye, now. 'Bye, now. (Amy Schumer exit.)

OPRAH: See you. Wow. Not since Monday. Boy, that would be hard. That would be hard.