Need help saying no? Here’s how.

In a year that’s been anything but normal, the holiday season is possibly busier than ever. No matter how well we plan, there are bound to be last-minute invitations (Zoom happy hour, anyone?) that can leave us feeling a bit depleted. How do we say no without feeling bad about it? By learning to properly prioritize ourselves and our goals, while maintaining relationships.

What to do: Use these steps the next time you need to effectively decline an offer (for second helpings, last-minute plans, or anything else you want to say no to!), but don’t want to offend the person asking you.

1. Take a neutral path when describing your situation, so you can minimize any heightened emotions or blame.

Example: “I appreciate you offering me an extra piece of your chocolate cake.”

Example: “That’s so nice of you to include me in your Zoom holiday happy hour.”

2. Acknowledge the person’s POV and what she might want out of the situation.

Example: “Your chocolate cake was delicious—I’m so impressed you made it from scratch!

Example: “Your invitation was really beautiful and festive.”

3. Be as transparent as you’re comfortable with and explain why you’re saying no.

Example: “I’m going to pass on a second serving because I’m working on stopping eating when I feel satisfied.”

Example: “I’m feeling overloaded with so much screen time and I’m trying to limit my video calls.”

4. If you’re turning down something from a close friend, offer an alternative idea in return.

Example: “Can I take a piece of cake home for tomorrow?”

Example: “I’d love to catch up 1:1 with you this week on a phone call!”