The Perfect Timing of Wraps

By Adam Kraemer

Well, it’s been a while since I did a food review.

That is all.

Kidding. Of course I’m going to do a food review. What kind of writer do you think I am? Do you think I’m the sort of writer who just has Chuck disappear upstairs, never to return or be mentioned ever again? Is that reference lost on nearly everyone?

(Happy Days, btw. In the first season Richie had an older brother who simply vanished and everyone apparently forgot about him entirely. That’s right. Happy Days is more evil than you think.)

Anyway, food review! Before I get started, for all my new readers — and anyone as apparently as forgetful as the Cunninghams — I should explain my review system. It’s binary.

You’re laughing, but I tell the truth. Every food I review for this blog either gets a 1 or a 0. A 1 means “yes, I would buy/eat this again.” A 0 means “the makers of this so-called food should be forced to disappear upstairs never to return or be mentioned ever again.” Admittedly, I award a lot more 1’s than 0’s, but you haven’t heard from the makers of gravy candy canes since I reviewed them, have you?

(Seriously, I really once found a box of gravy-flavored candy canes in the kitchen at my old job. They were exactly as bad as you would think. They made the bacon-flavored candy canes — also discovered in the kitchen on that fateful day — seem like actual bacon in comparison.)

So, now that we’re clear on the binary rules, let me introduce you to Weight Watcher’s Smart Ones Egg, Sausage and Cheese Smart Morning Wrap. It’s good. Actually, I should say “they’re good,” because the box contains two individually packaged pairs, intended to make a single meal. They get a 1, ladies and gentlemen. I would buy them again. I will buy them again.

And here’s my one complaint, though I find it true with every microwaveable wrap, so I’m most definitely not singling these out: There’s no really accurate timing for nuking a frozen wrap. By their nature, you either get sections that are thawed but still cold, or, you risk having a hot wrap with its contents spilling out all over the place. There’s no happy medium.

(Well, there’s one happy medium. Her name is Madam Shiske and she lives off the Bowery. I digress.)

Admittedly, the fault could be in me. Or my microwaves. But I have never been able to perfectly time a wrap so that it doesn’t wind up leaking as it heats up. I have the same problem with Hot Pockets. I’m at the point where I pretend in my head that I did it on purpose, so as to lower the SmartPoints® values of said food: “Oh, good. Half the cheese is on the bottom of the microwave, just as I planned. That’ll be fewer calories.”

Delusion isn’t just a river in Egypt.

But given that caveat, these wraps were really tasty. They’re small, like the size of spring rolls, so two are nice and filling without you feeling like you just inhaled an entire breakfast burrito. In fact, I’m gonna have to try them with salsa next. Or see if they have a bacon variety. Or gravy…never mind.

Talk to you soon.​

Follow Adam on Connect @adam.k

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